C'est la Vie~

Beautiful | Ugly

2012-02-10T04:44:00.000-08:00

Beautiful and ugly.

Both such powerful words.

Both can move someone to tears.

You can call a girl ugly as a joke, and she'll laugh it off.

But the thing is, if you call a girl ugly once, her self esteem has already been lowered.

Call her ugly twice, she tries to shake it off, but damage has been done.

Call her ugly three times, she forgets all the other compliments she's ever had.

Compare her to other girls, that just breaks her even further.

She frowns, but she hurts others.

She smiles, but she hurts herself.

She looks at herself in the mirror and all she see's is somebody who just isn't good enough.

She realizes why she's alone.

Soon, her self esteem will be non existent.

The thing is, nobody knows.

Because she fakes a smile everywhere she goes.

Nobody notices she avoids mirrors.

Nobody notices her silences.

Nobody notices that she tries her best.

All because of that word.

By the time someone has noticed, no amount of words can save her.

starfish

Screw Valentine's day.

2011

2011-12-31T00:30:00.000-08:00

What a year it has been. Saying it was eventful would be an understatement. This year was filled with surprises, achievements and memories which will last a lifetime.

My trip to Melbourne in March would have to be the highlight of the year. Even if things didn't really go as planned, spending time with family and friends made it all worth it.

Oh and not to mention getting my beloved Golden Retriever, Macey :D

The downside however would have to be my birthday shortly after. When I ran away from home and stayed with my uncle, just until my mother came back.

With everything that's happened, I'm grateful for it all and everyone who has stayed by my side. Even if it wasn't always a positive outcome, I admit that I did start to believe that there wasn't always a positive side to everything, but it really did happen. Before I even knew it, everything had gotten better.

That's why people need to start focusing on the positives in life instead of the negatives. There is always a positive side to a situation, no matter how small it is. Even though it can sometimes be hard to see.

So much stuff has happened this year and I feel as if I've grown so much emotionally. It's hard to believe that it's all come to an end.

That's why my resolution for the new year will be to look before I fall.

Hope everyone had a year as great as mine was!

Happy New Year!

starfish

Holiday Spirit?

2011-12-13T03:48:00.000-08:00

Well it's that time of the year again.

With Christmas just around the corner, the holiday decorations and lights illuminate the CBD. People Christmas shopping for their loved ones, and not to mention the massive department store sales. But with Christmas also comes the end of the year once again. The time where I often reflect on the outcome of the year has been, and realizing how quickly time flies.

I can hardly believe it's already the end of 2011. Even the memories of 2010 are as if it had happened yesterday. Not saying that anything happened this year. 2011 has been another eventful year, with surprises popping up everywhere. I realize now that I have enjoyed this year much more than the previous. And not to mention I've kept my new years resolutions!

Bring on 2012

starfish

.

2011-11-16T07:15:00.000-08:00

Long time no post.. Again :l hahaha
I've just been caught up in spending time with the family and working, plus I got a doggy not too long ago and all that has been eating up my spare time.
With recent event, I've learned quite a lot regarding where people stand, and what people come before others.
For example, the whole concept of having feelings for somebody is really such a tedious process. The stress of wondering whether that person likes you back, how shattered you get when they don't speak to you, and the intense joy of being in their presence. All those emotions heightened just for one person can't be healthy. Thankfully I am past that stage. I'm also past the stage where I thought it felt strange not having feelings for somebody. But the feeling of not being tied down and worrying all the time over one person has overcome all that, and I don't really look back either.
During this period I've managed to meet new people, stay close to a few friends and realize the love from family and friends are a lot more important than just one person.
Looking back, I see how silly I used to be, wasting all my time on one person when they didn't even think of me once, I'm glad that I've become the me I am today.
And with that, I've managed to have found a job, focused more on my studies and take care of a new family member as well as visiting my beloved cousin all the time.
Life is sweet.
xx
starfish

2011-09-16T04:09:00.000-07:00

I realized that I don't really blog much anymore, but not much has actually happened lately.

One good thing is that spring is finally here. I've missed the cool air and sunny days, accompanied by the sound of birds in the early mornings.

The pink blossoms on the peach trees reminds me that the simplest things can instantly brighten somebody's day. Moments like these unfortunately do not last forever, hence the reason why I have to stop thinking about the past and look forward to the future.

Even though I have managed to turn forward, I must admit I do glance back at times. The memories are so vivid, I can't help but miss them even after knowing that it isn't good for me at all. But I manage to shake it away quickly. I do wonder though if you remember what I do..

Who knows? Who cares. I'm nearing the top of my Ferris Wheel and nothing can bring me down.

starfish

.

2011-08-30T04:25:00.000-07:00

I made the mistake of reading old messages.

It just did nothing but bring back memories.

You really did lead me on. No doubt about it.

Everyone I've told, everyone I've shown, they all agree.

But matter how much you deny it, you do lead girls on.

I wonder though, perhaps it's my karma for doing wrong as well.

The more I think about it, the more true it seems.

I just want to know something.

Did you feel anything at all? Or is it just something you do?

Whatever it was I try my best not to care.

It's so strange, when people ask me why, I am unable to answer.

Perhaps I'm just meant to be forever alone.

Makes a lot of sense actually..

starfish

So it's 4am..

2011-08-14T13:06:00.000-07:00

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

That definitely is not true. Words can be as painful as a thousand knives piercing your chest until you bleed to death. I myself have been hurt countless times, pretty much in every way possible. Family, friends, and my non existent love life.

Which makes me wonder, what have I done wrong? Have I messed up the lines of equality when it comes to relationship matters? Did I do something wrong? Or is there just something wrong with me? Twenty years and counting of being single. Pretty sure that isn't normal. Everybody has someone or had someone. They have all experienced that warmth. What have I experienced? Just cold harsh words.

But in my opinion, there is no such thing as romance. It is all just a make believe concept which was strongly exaggerated by Disney and sold off to Hallmark. That's all there is to it. Nothing more, nothing less. We are all so blinded by this concept that everybody craves it. If we never really civilized, then there would not have been this problem. You see, animals do not feel love, they do not get hurt when their "crush" tells them they like somebody else. But for some reason we do.

Because of this, I got hurt.

Because of this, I cry.

I might as well just let them know my true feelings.

Because it is far too late to look silly now.

I just hope I have enough courage, that's all.

starfish

selfish rant

2011-08-10T21:45:00.000-07:00

So walking out of class/skipping seems to become a much more common habit of mine. Mainly the reason being because I just cannot stand sitting in a class for a certain amount of time. All I do is doze off and daydream or sleep.

For some reason all I seem to feel is negativity these days. Especially when I'm alone. My thoughts and memories overwhelm me and I'm just left into a state of.. I'd say depression but that is overrated. So sadness. What on earth happened to me. What am I doing to myself should be the question. I'm just constantly letting myself be fucked over again and again. So many times that I should be used to it by now, but I guess the time I was happy was when I was myself and no one could come even close.

Yesterday was a pretty horrible day for me. I cannot believe how weak I seem to be when there's no one around. It made me think about so many things. My eyes have finally opened and everything emotionally related has completely shut out.

i. To be honest, I pretty much hate you right now. I never would have thought to go to those kinds of extremes and to tell me those things. I mean, I thought you were pretty strange at first, but you actually did hurt me in way too many ways for me to forgive you. You are dead to me from now on. The majority of where I'm from hates you so I suggest you never come back.

ii. You're occasionally rude, you are a slut no matter how much you try to justify. And that's all I can think is wrong with you. What sucks is that you seem to be hot and cold, and because of this reason I cannot be bothered with you any more. You can go fuck around and contract fucking chlamydia for all I care.

iii. You were meant to be there for me no matter what. But you left for your fail of a boyfriend. I miss you and I miss our good times together. Those memories really are something I hold onto. I was so clean when I was with you. Nothing corrupted me and look at what happened after you decided to become Miss Whipped.

iv. Uni I hate you. There's just so much due and it's just piling on top of me.

v. I'm slowly losing my closest friends. Everybody is moving on, everybody is in a relationship and have no time for me any more. Even friends who aren't in relationships though seem to be distancing themselves from me.

vi. I don't want to be told "it's going to be all right" or be comforted. I'm over all this bullshit happiness. I know I'm not going to stay in this state forever, so can you please let me be. Everybody needs their down times and for some reason mine seems to have lasted for quite some time. But I need to be here. I need to shut the world out, re-isolate myself and allow nobody to come quite as close as they used to be.

The only person who has stuck by me truly for the longest time is Dianne. And for that I am grateful. To the rest of you, I'm not going to be a bitch to your face because I don't want to be seen as that kind of person, so I just say goodbye for now. I don't feel like talking to any body for a while unless it really is urgent because I'm sick of all this. Fake friends, dog friends, people who fuck me over. Just please leave me. Tell me that you hate me, tell me the things you've always wanted to tell me. I just need to feel that blow so I can get up on my feet again and start fresh.

What sucks is that I tell myself these things, but I know I can't hold this shit up. Or I'll go back to the state where I just need myself and become the person who I hate. In both games though, I'll just break down again. But right now, getting revenge seems good, and I feel like being a bitch again. So I guess I'll choose that path for the time being.

Pretty exciting really.

First things first, I need a drink.

starfish

12am rant

2011-08-02T08:41:00.000-07:00

I have days like today where I just hate the world and every living thing. Nothing seems to be going right and all I can think about is other people or things.

I think I talk to you too much. It's making me weaker and weaker every time we speak. Main reason being I have no idea what you're thinking and I'm already in that place where it hurts. Not only is this not good for me, but also it is becoming something I can't live without.

I guess I expected this drifting away would come about eventually, I just held onto the hope that it wouldn't come.

Or maybe this is all in my head. Maybe I'm just being irrational. But it feels different than what it used to be like.

I hate feeling like this. Its almost as if I'm just wasting my time on useless people who care nothing for me and probably don't even give a shit about me. I miss having no one on my mind. No one to keep me occupied and with my mind set on completing my work and degree. It really is a great feeling, not being emotionally attached to someone because honestly they just drain you, either because you don't know what they're thinking or if they feel the same way because of the mixed messages, and it also doesn't help that I know nothing about you or how you act towards other people.

I wonder if it's too late. I would honestly be better off knowing rather than constantly stress over small things and end up over analyzing the situation.
But I do realize I'm being a hypocrite when I say I miss the long chats, but I also miss being independent.

I miss being free and not being chained to the floor. I miss having a strong inside which no one would come close to touching. I miss being strong and being able to get over something in just a second.

But it all changed last year when I foolishly let down my guard for a while, only for my heart to be thrashed and abused until I was nothing but an empty shell.

After that, I didn't have enough time for me to rebuild the walls to their full potential when you came. Now once again I'm all over the place, trying to look for the pieces of myself which I've lost over this one year. Parts of me have left me for good, however I know that others are somewhere, I just have to look hard enough.

Maybe it was a good experience to have let down my walls for a little. Because of that I was able to know the true harm of feelings. It sucks because even though you can't see it, they have the potential to haunt you for the rest of your life..

I'm going to try to get everything back on track. Rebuilding the walls and go back into hiding once again.

Step one would be deactivation.

I'm determined to make things work out my way.

Yes I'm being selfish, but I just see this as heart-rehabilitation time.

starfish

.

2011-07-30T09:55:00.001-07:00

Looking at old photos and posts from 2oo9. Remembering feelings and good times before the tainting. It makes me realize how much I've done for you and how little you appreciated it. No matter what the situation, you always had that so called bitch attitude towards me, and so that's the reason why you know nothing about me now whatsoever. Even back then I hid things from you. I told you it's hard for me to get jealous and somehow you constantly put me to the test. What were your intentions? Why did you act like I wasn't there when I clearly was?

I guess in the end, I'm somehow glad I distanced myself from you.

Or was it you who distanced yourself from me?

starfish

-

2011-07-21T07:04:00.001-07:00

The smallest drop of water can cause the largest ripple.

The smallest whisper can cause the largest lie.

The smallest feeling can cause the most amount of pain.

People believe that small things do not matter. But they are unaware of what the future outcome of their actions are..

* *

When I say life is a game of cards, that's the most perfect description I can give.

I made the mistake of playing too many cards because I thought I had known for sure my opponents hand, however I did not realize that what I saw was misleading.. Even though the person had those cards, they chose not to play them in the specific order, making me lose.

In this present scenario, I have my cards, and my opponent has theirs. This game is played slowly, and I'm more cautious of what I'm placing down. I can't be foolish and play like I used to, not only because I'm afraid of loss, but also because I have no clue what their hand is.

The only thing I'm afraid of is that I'll be too slow, and lose once again..

Winter

2011-06-13T21:59:00.000-07:00

As the weather gets colder, so do the memories, the thoughts, and the feelings.
The chilling air rips right through me as if I'm some kind of weak object. As the skies turn grey, so do my thoughts. As the sky weeps, everything I feel seems to collapse into a pile of confusion, with only my outer shell still in tact.
It's true that winter does bring out the worst in me. I do get sad when the grey clouds loom over me. Memories do come flooding back when I'm walking around alone outside. But for some reason, I'm not completely sad. It's almost as if I'm bittersweet. The memories are nice but that's really all they are. I'm doing my best to keep everything the same but it isn't as easy as it seems. People have a tendency to push each other away, but wonder if the pushing away is to make room for new arrivals? You push people away because you know subconsciously that you're going to meet someone, or know someone who will take their place.
Pretty strange if you ask me.
xx
starfish

Misunderstandings

2011-05-17T22:22:00.000-07:00

Misunderstandings can be probably one of the worst things which may happen. Whether it be between family members, friends, or your significant other, either way, someone is going to get hurt, or maybe be caught up in some kind of endless feud. Because of these reasons, people stop talking or contacting eachother, maybe for the right amount of time, or maybe for too long. If it does happen to be too long, things get bad. When they realise it was all just a common misunderstanding, it may be too late to go back to change whatever went wrong. Things will never be the same, either you have moved on, or the other. The past is the past. There is nothing you can ever do about it, except look back and realise what happened, and only wish that things were back to the way they were before.

Which in fact reminds me of a quote which is written at the beginning of my diary;

“Life can only be understood backwards, but must be lived forward”

- Soren Kierkegaard

Excuse me if that makes no sense, written in a hurry :3

starfish

.

2011-04-23T03:55:00.001-07:00

I honestly do not understand how the fuck I can do this anymore. You abuse me for no reason. You yell at me even when I've done nothing wrong. The only thing you say to me are just words to break my self esteem. You think I'm pathetic. You think I'm useless. You give me a knife and tell me to kill myself because the world will be better. You physically abuse not only me, but the people I love. I was told to keep this all a secret. The red marks and bruises were just from me being clumsy.

And all I can do is cry into a pillow and feel sorry for myself.

But you won't even let me do that.

I hate you.

But it's alright, because you hate me as well.

But the worst is, you are meant to be my father.

It's too bad that I only see you as a stranger.

starfish

2011-03-24T04:50:00.001-07:00

So I just had one of my every so often breakdowns. It usually happens when I can't take anymore shit thats going on and just pour it all out.

I'll list them for you guys.

- Failed my human bio test and stressing out that if I fail that unit, I'll get kicked out of my course.

- Got really upset about a certain dog friend

- Two dog friends actually

- Haven't started my assignments yet and stressing about those too, but just sitting here writing this up

- And no-one to talk to.

Feel so much better after letting it out though.

starfish

Dream

2011-03-18T08:29:00.001-07:00

I keep having this dream. A dream where I'm standing outside a large, double story, white house with golden rims. The doors are made of glass and huge Victorian style windows reaching the ceiling to the floor decorate the sides.

When I close my eyes, I see the neighbourhood so clearly, probably because I've visited that place so many times before. Walking down the grey gravel streets that the house is on, there are many beautiful houses. To my left, there is sort of a slope, a house on higher ground, where a young man sits on the front lawn listening to his ipod. I look ahead and I see a large red bricked double story house with cream gates. I walk past these houses and turn right and left, kinda like a half circle. I keep walking until I reach the middle house and there I am. The white house with the golden gates and rims. And at that moment, I find myself in some sort of a trance which I am unable to escape. All I can do is just stare outside this mysterious white house.

The strange thing is however, in my most recent dream of this place, there was a man who stood next to me. I never got a chance to see his full face in the dream, yet he asked me a question, "did you know that there's a sad story which comes with this house?"

Confused, I reply "No sir, I haven't heard"

The man says nothing, however I had a feeling that explained it well. A lady used to live there, who waited for her husband everyday, who never returned from the war.

And I wake up.

Strange huh?

starfish

One step closer to winter

2011-03-07T04:58:00.000-08:00

Well it's autumn again.

That time of year when the fresh green colours become a fiery mix of reds, yellows and oranges.

When the burning sun and the sound of gulls are replaced by the sounds of waves crashing and those cool sea breezes.

I have a feeling this autumn isn't going to be the same though, which makes me wonder, why is it that when the season gets cold, the trees become warm? The colour I mean, of course. The warm colours compliment the chilling atmosphere, almost giving off a sense of warmth.

I guess that's just one of life's many mysteries.

starfish

Masks

2011-03-01T04:31:00.000-08:00

A mask.

Thats what everyone wears.

Whether it be a personality mask, or one from wearing make-up, no-one is truly themselves when you first meet them. Make up is worn to cover imperfections, to highlight features, while their true face is hidden beneath all of it. But when it is removed, you see the truth. Its the same with personalities. People with ugly personalities cover over it with sweetness or kindness. Never does anyone know what someone is really like when they first meet.

Its all hidden beneath a mask.

A deception.

starfish

Valentines?

2011-02-10T00:44:00.000-08:00

Sorry for my absence ahaha just living summer to its max :D!

But anyways, the ultimate hallmark holiday is back, Valentines Day.

My post last year about it does sound quite bitter however, I really do not understand why on earth people believe it is such a special day.

If you truly love them, you would show it to them every day and not wait for Valentines just to shower them with your affection. But yeah short post coz I'm feeling a little sick haha!

starfish

2010

2010-12-30T07:29:00.000-08:00

To say this year was eventful would be an understatement. It may come across as a bad year for me, however I came to terms that it was really more of a bittersweet kind of a year. I've crossed paths with some amazing people and with wonderful memories attached. I've also become so close to some of my friends that now we read eachother just like a book. But having something gained will also lead to something lost. I lost my grandmother in August, and now not very close with one of my best friends.

But to the people who I've met, and become so much closer to, thankyou so much for experiencing the shit and shine through this year.

Dianne,

I.LOVE.YOU. Words cannot describe how much you mean to me. I'm so glad we became so close this year even though we go to separate universities. You've helped me through my worst when everything was going wrong and you've stuck by me this whole time. We've shared laughs together, and tears all throughout the year. I hope our friendship won't change and will remain as it is today even after a gazillion years!

Kim,

I'm so glad I met you during that first day in human bio labs. I was honestly pretty damn scared that noone would befriend me in that class until you showed up behind me with a kind smile. Thankyou for staying by my side and embracing me with your legendary presence ;D

Brian,

Meeting you was probably one of the highlights of the year! I didn't even expect that you'd become one of my bestest friends and thankyou so much for the Christmas gift for me and Dianne. I owe you muchly! You have been one of the most awesomest people I've met this year and its so great we go to the same uni so we can just bump into eachother randomly! :D

Nicholas,

Who would've thought a girl from Perth would become friends with a guy from Melbourne so easily? Thankyou for flying all the way across the country and sharing your smiles and laughter with me. Even though we don't talk that much anymore, I won't forget the awesome memories! I hope all is well, and I will see you in the new year!

Gabriel,

LOL pretty funny how we started talking this year after hating on eachother during highschool hey! Thanks for being an awesome friend and becoming this whole new person that I didn't even get a glimpse of during highschool! And thankyou for listening to my silly rants about random shiz LOL hope all is well :D!

Grandmother,

I miss you every single day. It's so hard to believe you left so quickly, and the last conversation we had will always stay with me. Thankyou for loving me. Thankyou for accepting my flaws. Thankyou for seeing the good in me when everyone else couldn't. When you told me by the time I'd realise how much everything meant to me you wouldn't be here anymore, I took it all too lightly. I'm sorry for not realising sooner and I'm sorry I never got a chance to hear your voice after. Love.

Thats only a few of the people, but I'm so grateful to everyone who has crossed paths with me this year. The memories and experiences shared have been absolutely beautiful. It truly has been a very eventful year, and maybe my most unforgettable. I love you all.

Happy new years everyone!!

starfish

Game

2010-12-13T04:08:00.000-08:00

So I guess I lost.

I knew the rules,

I knew what was at stake,

I knew how to win,

but I never played my cards.

starfish

Some people

2010-11-30T20:34:00.001-08:00

Some people crave attention, and will do whatever it takes for them to have the spotlight.

Whether it be acting, or pretending to be someone, or something they're not.

Some people may change their attitudes towards a certain issue, only to try and fit in with their friends.

Some people do things for themselves. Others do things for other people.

Some people may do things for other people, but to advantage themselves.

Some people may do things for themselves, to advantage others.

Unfortunately there are many people who are extremely selfish.

And will only do things which will benefit themselves.

But that's just how society runs I guess.

You just gotta learn how to live with these people.

I value individuality.

So be yourself!

An original is worth a lot more than a copy.

starfish

Things are not always what they seem.

2010-11-28T20:10:00.000-08:00

The majority of the people you meet and everyone you see, they are masking their personality, hiding behind a figure, an alter ego of sorts, which may or may not be the best thing. Some people may act to be the fakest person alive, pretending that they are your friend, but spreading nasty rumours or being mean to you behind your back. But those are just the horrible masks we wear, even myself, I try to make out that I'm an optimistic, strong willed girl who cannot be broken. That's the type of person I want people to see I am. Why? Because I hate burdening people with unnecessary problems, thoughts, paranoia or even just doubts I have running through my mind. I don't want people to feel sorry for me, nor do I want their sympathy. Even so, I am just like any other person you might meet. I have my doubts, my fear, my paranoia. Only the closest of my close friends have seen me at my worst. Like that day during the horrible winter, when everything was falling apart and there was nothing I could do about it, I had went to visit my friend at the hospital, where she gave me a shoulder to cry on and tell me that everything would be alright. For me to have shown that side in public was a huge risk, because then others would have been able to see the real me, and have a direct link to my weakness, but since my friend was there, it had felt like it was okay.

A master of deception, now that is what is truly admirable, not necessarily in a good way.

So the title, "Things are not always the way they seem", may be one of the most realistic point of view I have come across. There is always more than one side to story, there is always a reason why some people have become who they are, or a deeper, and more deceiving link which lies just beneath the cracks, hard to see, but not impossible.

starfish

2010-11-09T01:13:00.000-08:00

I can feel you slowly slipping away.

The memories disappearing, falling through the gaps between my fingers.

The problem is, I don't know whether or not I want to hold on.

I have been living a delusion ever since everything happened, everyone knows how much it hurts me, and they all tell me that it isn't worth it.

I didn't listen to them. I still lived in a false world where everything seemed perfect. A world where the only drive I had left were the memories.

But now I think I'm coming to realise what I'm really doing. How stupid I really am.

But I'm stuck in this position where I don't know what to do anymore.

Listen to everyone? Or listen to myself.

starfish

Btw don't you hate it when someone does not understand what go away means?

Kill me now.

Sigh.

100

2010-11-06T04:33:00.000-07:00

So today marks the 100th day

Amazing how fast time flies.

starfish

i love you.

:\

2010-10-20T08:09:00.000-07:00

Even this year has been so eventful, as it edges closer towards the end, I find myself wanting to hold onto the last remaining moments, refusing to let this year end.

So many unforgettable moments have happened this year, both happy and sad.

But I don't want to refer to it all as just something that has happened "last year".

I don't want everything to become just a memory of 2o1o.

If you know what I mean.

starfish

ahh

2010-10-10T03:04:00.000-07:00

Before I fall asleep, a sudden surge of memories always fills my mind, leaving me hopelessly trying to relive them. Because of this, I dream about it as well. It becomes a make believe fantasy, everything seems so perfect, too perfect, before I realize that it is a dream, and wake up to the bittersweet morning.

I'm not exaggerating when I say it happens every night.

I hate that.

Don't you?

starfish

uni update.

2010-09-16T22:44:00.000-07:00

Marketing100 - Behind as hell. Don't understand the concepts of marketing. So pointless.

Human Biology 133 - Repeating. Failing. If failed, expulsion. Fml.

Practice of Public Health - Alright. But lack motivation.

Psychology 123 - Failing. Behind as hell.

This is what has happened to me.

Godmothereffingdammit.

Too bad its past census date so I can't drop.

Time to bring out the inner nerd.

Facebook deactivation and MSN ban it is.

starfish

.

2010-09-12T01:30:00.001-07:00

Spring is here, but I'm not feeling it.

The cool, crisp air, the bright butterflies, the busy bees, the happy birds, the beautiful wildflowers.

Everything that I love is appearing again.

However, I still can't shrug off the feeling of being so down.

I guess I just have to deal with it for now.

Too many unforgettable memories still linger in my head. I push them aside for the meantime, but somehow they just keep coming back, reminding me of the past.

I guess I'm just the same, silly girl I was last year. I kept telling myself that I wouldn't repeat any of my own mistakes, but you just can't help it right?

Emotions and feelings.

No one can see them, many people are able to hide them.

Invisible to the eye, yet still so powerful.

So powerful, yet much too fragile.

There are so many things that I want to say,

but I'm too scared of getting hurt.

starfish

Short post

2010-09-11T07:14:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you gotta clear yourself from all the pain and hurt.

Let it all out.

Only then, are you able to see everything from a much clearer point of view.

Almost as if its clearing away the clouds, so we are able to see the stars.

starfish

.

2010-08-28T04:18:00.000-07:00

Part 1.

The Emotions.

She told me that people believe what we say, not what we feel.

So the nicest people may also be the cruellest.

I'm sick of being so down all the time.

I'm sick of having to put that fake smile on all the time.

I'm sick of having to say that I'm fine when I'm really not.

People ask me how I'm doing. I have absolutely no clue on how to answer that. So I just respond with "I'm fine". I know its a lie, but people believe it anyway. I don't want to burden other people with my feelings. I don't want to be seen as the "sad girl". Even if I don't want these things, I'm still silently hoping that someone will notice that I'm not myself. That these smiles and laughter are all fake. That may have been who I really was a month ago, but right now, I'm able to say I'm faking through every single day. If I were to tell people I wasn't alright, I think I'm able to guess what will happen. But I'm being selfish and I don't want that. What I really want is for someone to tell me that it's ok to be sad. It's ok to cry. Because we're human.

All I need is reassurance.

And a shoulder to cry on.

Part 2.

The Rant.

Some people know what has happened. Yet they don't seem to care at all. Friends who you've helped out so many times. They seem to have all disappeared. They don't even give a flying fuck about how you're feeling. Why? Because they're selfish. They only care about themselves, unwilling to help out others in need. Not even a simple "my condolences", or "I'm sorry to hear that". Even I may sound extremely selfish complaining about these things, but I'm so sick of helping others when they obviously don't appreciate it, let alone care about how you're doing. And for my haters reading this, you can go judge all the fuck you want.

For the times while I may seem like the biggest idiot on the planet, it's not that I'm stupid. It's not that I'm trying to fucking get attention. It's because I really didn't know. I'm just being honest with myself. You should try it sometime. Let me ask you, is there honestly something wrong with being me? Is there really something wrong with not knowing something? How is me being honest with myself affecting you? So just stay away. If you're going to hate on me, I don't care! Just don't mess with me. Because I'm sick of your bullshit.

And by the way. The world doesn't revolve around you. So please stop being so full of yourself.

I swear there was more on my mind, but I just went blank.

I'll post another entry if I remember.

Thanks for reading.

Much love.

starfish

my mind?

2010-08-23T17:25:00.000-07:00

Heart breaking isn't it? When you think about all the past.

Tear jerking isn't it? When you remember the good times.

Confusing isn't it? When you think of the future.

Strange isn't it? When you realise you're living in the present.

And how the future will become your present?

And how your present will become the past?

That's why you gotta cherish every moment you live.

Because everything ends up becoming a memory, no matter what.

And nothing lasts forever.

Not even your own life.

starfish

"don't take life too seriously, because no one survives it anyway."

thoughts

2010-08-19T21:55:00.000-07:00

Something which I don't understand is what the true definition of "beauty" is.

Everyone is born with a pair of ears, eyes, a nose and a mouth.

Everybody has the same facial features, everyone has them for the same purpose. If you think about it, everyone is the same, yet everyone is also different. There is no such thing as a person being "ugly", because everyone has at least one feature which stands out.

People who are self concious of their looks needs someone to tell them that they are beautiful in their own way.

Different people have different perceptions on what true beauty means to them, but if you ask me, everyone is beautiful.

So you are beautiful :)

Remember that!

starfish

visiting

2010-08-19T19:36:00.000-07:00

I went back to the cemetery yesterday. First time I've been back since grandmothers funeral. I saw the flowers people had laid there. Even though it had been almost two weeks since she was laid to rest, the flowers remained almost perfect. Maybe a few wilting, but they were still as beautiful. The flowers which stood out to me the most though, were the pink and white carnations. They looked.. exactly the same. I also saw my first two butterflies for this year. One of the first signs that spring is just around the corner.

At that moment, it hit me. I realised that I am no longer afraid of the place. To be honest, I think I really like it. It might sound strange, but even though the cemetery is seen as a terrifying place, I find that it's calming. The atmosphere is so peaceful, where all around you, people are just in a deep, eternal sleep.

you guys probably think I'm weird now huh? ahahaha

starfish

Emotionless.

2010-08-14T01:58:00.000-07:00

I honestly have no idea what the fuck happening to me.

It seems as if I've completely lost all motivation to do anything.

Not going to uni, not leaving the house, and blocking everyone out. The only exceptions are for the few who actually know which key to use to open the doors.

Its the same thing every day.

I wake up feeling either numb, or depressed as hell.

20 days and still counting, the number of days in a row, where I have been unable to make it through a single day without the stinging of my eyes, and the all too familiar wet cold tear stream down my face, only to either fall off my chin, or touching my lips, allowing me to taste the bitter saltiness of it all.

Tears have always been seen as sadness. It's funny, because not only do you feel sad when your eyes well up, but they also have that same cold feeling as they roll down your cheek.

I can't smile or laugh, because then theres that sick feeling of guilt, the sinking of the heart, and me thinking "why do I have the pleasure of being able to laugh at a time like this?"

So all too quickly, I get reminded of all the issues that have happened.

I hurt like crazy on the inside.

Some people notice who I've become.

Others don't seem to see anything.

I really wish that everything will be back to the way it was.

When I was elate.

When nothing could ever bring me down.

But one of the benefits of a time like this, you're able to find out who your true friends are.

And to those who may have seemed like one of your best mates ever,

who you'd stick up for no matter what,

who you'd help build back up when they're shattered in pieces.

I'm pretty sure you know who you are.

I have just one thing to say to you.

Where the fuck are you now bitch?

starfish

.

2010-08-11T23:10:00.001-07:00

I guess at times like these, you're able to differentiate between your true friends, and the fake bitches.

starfish

R.I.P.

2010-08-09T01:39:00.001-07:00

Rest in peace grandmother.

I love you.

starfish

.

2010-07-31T19:21:00.000-07:00

Right now, things may seem to be the worst it has been.

I've been crying non stop these past 7 days.

Trying to convince others that I'm doing fine.

It almost feels as if I'm slowly losing all the things that I hold dear.

Like holding water in your hands, you may not see it, but once you notice, its too late, and it isn't there any more.

Life is something that each and every one of us take for granted. Too many good or happy moments happen, and people don't seem to appreciate it at all. Instead of holding onto the happy memories, the smiles, and the laughter, they tend to just be stuck, putting too much focus on the things which put a strain on themselves. The pain, the hurt, the sadness..

It only isn't until they realise what they've been missing out on, people start to appreciate more. Life is a fragile thing. One moment they may be there, but the next, they've completely disappeared. With nothing but memories to hold onto. But being memories, they fade out much too quickly.

That is why you need to appreciate the time that they're there for. Hold onto as much as you can, as long as you don't get hurt in the process.

Live each and every single day with a smile on your face, and live each day like it was your last.

Because one day, you'll regret not starting every day with a smile, because it'll be the day you realise that it's too late.

Seeing my family cry is one of the biggest heartbreaks I've experienced.

Especially when it is someone I admire, someone who I've seen as a strong person since I was a child..

And seeing people leave would be another.

To be honest, I'm scared.

Because I'm afraid of what the loneliness will do to me.

However, even though it feels as if they've left or leaving, I know that I'll see them again.

Someday..

starfish

what the heart once owned, it shall never lose

2010-07-29T00:31:00.000-07:00

Sorryy!! I haven't updated this in so long! Theres just too much going on in my life.

I don't even know whether or not I should blog about this, because I don't know who is reading my blog and who isn't. I don't even know if I'll end up publishing it. And if I do, I might delete it, but here I go.

I've always thought of myself as the type of person who wouldn't miss anyone. That everything happens for a reason, and if it is meant to happen, it will.

But I also believe that people meet others for a reason as well. Every single person you meet does play a certain role in your life. Every new experience, every new feeling. You met them for that reason. People may think that many people they have met in their lives have just come and gone. That they didn't have anything on them. But that isn't true. They will have an impact somewhere in your life, whether it be good or bad.

But it doesn't matter. That is why I refuse to say goodbye when I see someone leave. Because you will see them again.

Right?

Just a random entry about stuff thats on my mind

probably makes no sense

LOL oh wells

starfish

..

2010-07-05T19:04:00.001-07:00

When I closed my eyes last night, I felt something which I thought I had gotten rid of long ago. A cold, wet tear fell from my eye, streamed down my cheek and fell to the pillow. That was when I realised that I'm not as strong as I thought I was.

Thinking to myself, "maybe this will all go away by the morning", I closed my eyes and tried to rid myself of any sadness.

But in the back of my mind, I had already knew that this was all too good to begin with, right from the very start. I guess I should be used to disappointment by now, but a part of me still believes that I can find something that will bring me true happiness, no matter how hard I may end up falling in the end. I know that in the future, I will forget all these moments, because the memory was too small to put a large impact, but if I ever do happen to recall these times, I know I will laugh at how silly and how absent minded I was. But for now, all I can do is just wait for the time to pass, and see what happens during, and after.

I guess it doesn't hurt as much now, which is proof that time really does heal everything.

starfish

first video :O

2010-06-15T06:39:00.001-07:00

ahhh im such a loser -hides-

i sound so retarded

and my voice is all crackly coz i just got better D: D: LOL

im so self conscious

please be kind kyuu!! -hides again-

procrastination

dedicated to dii and bec n__n

starfish

:)

2010-06-04T23:42:00.000-07:00

Some people believe that money may be one of the best things in the world,

that without it, they won't be able to live a happy life..

From my perspective, i think that those people are blinded from all the other things which make our lives so much better.

Money doesn't always equal happiness.. When you see people living in third world countries, you can't help but notice, even though they are so much poorer than us, they still live every day like it was their last.

They don't live with the thought that they won't be happy, even though they have so little, they have something much more precious than all the riches in the world, and that is love! That is their force that drives them through everything they face, whether it be familial love, friendship love, or the love which two people share, as long as they have it, they will live much happier lives than the people whose only thing is money.

Because if all they have is just money, what do they really have..??

Sorry about the long absence haha and sorry if this makes no sense at all, its just something thats been on my mind for a while now, and just thought I'd share it with you

Hope you're all well

and goodluck for exams if you have them ;)

starfish

Lost?

2010-05-18T00:35:00.000-07:00

Some people may believe that winning is one of the best things,

but with every winner, there is something lost..

Like a while ago, when I said when something is gained, something else will be lost..

When you lose someone, it is a time of sadness..

You can't help but think back on all of the things which you took for granted.

All the stupid mistakes you made in the past, and how much you regret them,

because when you find out that they have suddenly disappeared from your life, you finally come to realise.

Some people may blame themselves for what has happened.

Even if it isn't their fault, they may just end up breaking down,

with just self hatred, or blame.

When in fact, it is noones fault,

I am someone who believes that everything happens for a reason..

They may be gone from your life, but they will forever hold a special place in your heart.

So well, they're not really gone..

And always remember,

that even though something seems to have been lost,

something will happen to make you happy again =)

and everything will get better

starfish

update?

2010-05-03T03:35:00.001-07:00

FUCKKKKK SO PISSED OFF OMG

THE BUSDRIVER OF THE FREAKING 99

KICKED ME OFF THE BUS

TO FREAKING WALK

FROM I DONT EVEN KNOW WHERE

ALL THE WAY TO MORLEY BUS STATION

AND YELLED AT ME COZ I DIDNT HEAR HIM PROPERLY WTF?!?!?! SIGH AT PPL SOMETIMES ARGHHHHHHHH

I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!!!! THERES ALL THIS BS GOING AROUND I JUST DONT GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT IT ANYMORE :@ LOLOLOL

AND WHEN I GOT TO MORLEY THE FREAKING POLICE OFFICER WENT OFF COZ I DIDNT USE THE FOOTPATH?! BECAUSE I WAS MOVING AWAY FROM THE STUPID CAR COZ I DONT WANNA DIE?!?!

AND I WOKE UP EARLY THIS MORNING

TO MISS THE BUS

TO BE LATE FOR MY LECTURE

FML.

LOL

ANYWAYS PHOTOS ;O

i finally got to catch up with ppl who i havent seen in ages!! n___n

like luke!

ew i look so rank LOL D;

and bec and sandy!!

LOL

im on the left LOL

and i got blonde in my hair :D LOL

goodtimes.

theres more photos but because blogger is lame, i cant upload them properly >___>

until next time

starfish

Titleless

2010-04-26T01:50:00.000-07:00

I have the worst luck ever.

I just let things slip away, as if I'm holding water.

You can't do anything to stop it from leaking, or spilling out of your hands.

It almost seems as if people grow close.. only to find themselves back to where they started,

complete strangers to one another..

Too many people walk in and out of your life,

and as soon as they walk out, the only thing you can do about it is just wait..

You keep fooling yourself into believing that one day, they will come back.

That one day, the same thing that happens in movies will happen to you..

Maybe it will be similar, maybe in the end, you will stay friends with that person, but only friends.

Because they will never look at you the same way as you looked at them..

That is why we can try to get back on our feet and walk away from it..

The past may hurt, but the best you can do is hope for the future.

Anyways I had an awesome time this long weekend for my birthday!

I finally got to meet up with people which I haven't seen in AGES!!!

Thanks everyone who camee!!

I'll upload photos in my next entry HAHA

starifish

Autumn

2010-04-19T03:34:00.000-07:00

As my bus crosses the Swan River on my way to uni, I look outside the window.

I see the sun rays dancing on the waters surface, glistening so brightly, I had to look away before I was blinded..

And that is how I can tell whether the weather will hold up or not for the rest of that day.

Back when it was still summer, I used to see the light reflecting from the rivers surface everyday to uni. But now that the season is slowly changing, the sight becomes so much more rare.

With the season changing, so does everything else.

The tree leaves become orange, and start to fall, as the trees start storing their nutrients to live off during the winter.

Little animals have their food stash hidden away, as they await the cold weather approaching.

People live every day as per usual, but with more clothes, dreading the cold winter mornings.

Or maybe thats just me..

Yeah I'm not looking forward to winter. LOL

and i gotta invest in an umbrella so I dont get owned walking from class to class

Oh and sorry I havent updated this in so long haha I just didnt have time :(

okie dokie back to assignments and studying =___=

starfish

?

2010-04-06T22:47:00.001-07:00

I thought I said I didn't care..

So why does it still hurt..?

starfish

Odin

2010-03-31T00:23:00.000-07:00

After..... I don't know how many tries,

I finally have odin.

Best.day.ever.

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY LOLOLOLOL xDxDxDDDDD IM SO HAPPYYY HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

and yeah im pretty far behind :(:( everyones already near the ending sadface HAHAHA

OH WELL :D:D:D ODINNN YAAAYYY -runs off into the distance-

FF13 FTWWWWW

starfish

Nails

2010-03-29T06:13:00.000-07:00

Well I got bored today

so i did my nails :D

hime style ftw LOL

ewww my hand looks so fat and gross o.o LOL D:D:

if only my nails were longer too :(

and yes that is my phone LOL they match xD

starfish

Losing

2010-03-29T00:12:00.000-07:00

I'm losing so much..

My motivation, my inspiration, even my friends..

But maybe because I don't exactly make an effort anymore..

When I come to think about it, it was always me who made the effort..

Me who tried to make something happen out of nothing.

But now that I've stopped, so has everything else.

But why make an effort, if the other doesn't?

The was a second part to this..

But this is all I'm going to say for now.. ;]

starfish

Dentist, peacock

2010-03-23T04:27:00.000-07:00

i just got 2 fillings.

and the dentist gave me too much numbing stuff.

i have no feeling in pretty much the whole of the left side of my face.

im hungry and i cant eat.

and a peacock died at UWA :( rip.

sadface.

starfish

Hmm..

2010-03-16T22:27:00.000-07:00

Why do I always end up in these situations?

I know its bad for me, but I can't help myself..

I know that I should know better, but obviously, I don't..

Should I stay away?

Or should I reach out?

What do I do?

starfish

Reality

2010-03-03T18:46:00.001-08:00

When I close my eyes, i see a whole new place. A place which I can only visit in my dreams. A place where I'm brave enough to talk to you. A place where I can do anything I want, where no-one will judge..

We live in a place called reality. It is a place where people grow old without realising, and happy endings only happen in fairy tales. It is a place where people are too afraid to do anything. A place where at times, it can be harsh.. But there are a few good points about it..

For example, the small joys throughout the day, like finding ice-cream in your freezer, or your crush talking to you for the first time.

Even if magic doesn't exist in reality, we do have love. Someone once told me that love is the closest thing that we have to magic. I guess that is true, but I have yet to experience it..

But if you ever try to escape from reality, you close your eyes, and that will take you back to the place where you felt at peace, only to wake up again, back in the same spot..

You may say that you want to do anything to escape from the reality that you are living in,

but if you work for it, I know for sure, that your reality, will be better than your dream :)

starfish

formspring

2010-03-03T06:19:00.000-08:00

haha this is really awesome!! :D:D

credits to the lovely dianne LOL

if theres been something you've been wanting to ask me

feel free to ask me through my formspring haha n.n

ill be happy to answer :D unless its a bit =\

LOL and I've put the question box in the side bar thingo too haha n.n

starfish

waiting

2010-03-02T22:13:00.000-08:00

I hate it how in the end, I'm the only one whose stuck waiting.

But, I don't complain,

because I don't want to be a burden to others..

I want to do something

maybe to help?

I don't know what.

So i guess I'll just wait.

Since its the only thing i know how to do right..

starfish

I've realised

2010-02-27T05:31:00.001-08:00

The more you stay the same, the more they seem to change..

Some people grow to become selfish. Without realising..

Some people say things to others, without realising how much it hurts the other person..

Some people just... change

People change, friends change.. Either for the better, or for the worse..

Usually, they change without realising.. and if it gets bad, arguments arise.

It really hurts, when there are people arguing, and in the end, they just stop talking.

Not knowing, or caring about the other person feels.

But the other person.. They're too scared to say anything..

They don't want to ruin what small things they might still have left..

They want to hold on, never to let go..

Because they hope that one day, they hope amongst all the arguing, all of the hurt, there might still be something. Even if it's something small, they want to make it grow again. Back to the days it once was..

They hope to dig deeper, find the root of what went wrong, see how it lead to something like that, and mend it, giving it everything they have..

At least, thats what I want to do.. And I wonder if people are the same..

It was beautiful back in those days,

If I had to describe it, it was peachy..

But i can't help but wonder whether it was because i took those times for granted..

Because I was too caught up in the past..

Because I wasn't able to move forward, since i kept looking back.

Thats why everyone has moved so far ahead, while I'm stuck in the same place.

It's funny, because it suddenly all makes sense now.

So I need to take my first step forward, and try to catch up with everyone else

So then the days will be the same as they used to be.

Not just one person was on my mind while writing this,

So it might take some time, but I'm sure I'll be able to overcome this..

starfish

oh btw uni starts on monday -cries- LOL i miss holidays alreadyyy :(:(

We Are The World

2010-02-15T18:13:00.000-08:00

Such a beautiful song kyuu~ n.n>

Its so amazing that they remade the song to help people in Haiti

Don't you agree?

starfish

QUINCY JONES Executive Producer
LIONEL RICHIE Executive Producer
WYCLEF JEAN Executive Producer
RICKEY MINOR Producer
RedOne Producer
MICHAEL JACKSON
CARLOS SANTANA
JENNIFER HUDSON
JAMIE FOXX
SUGARLAND
ADAM LEVINE
JASON MRAZ
EARTH WIND & FIRE
NATALIE COLE
THE JONAS BROTHERS
T-PAIN
BRIAN WILSON
JUSTIN BIEBER
NICOLE SCHERZINGER
INDIA.ARIE
JULIANNE HOUGH
MARY MARY
MELANIE FIONA
BEBE WINANS
MYA
TYRESE GIBSON
ANTHONY HAMILTON
RAPHAEL SAADIQ
GLADYS KNIGHT
KERI HILSON
JOEL & BENJI MADDEN
HEART
BRANDY
P!NK
MUSIQ SOULCHILD
MILEY CYRUS
AKON
JORDIN SPARKS
CELINE DION
ROB THOMAS
KATHARINE McPHEE
JEFF BRIDGES
RANDY JACKSON
PATTI AUSTIN
KID CUDI
USHER
WILL.I.AM
KANYE WEST
LL COOL J
ISSAC SLADE (aka The Fray)
SNOOP DOGG
NICOLE RICHIE
TREY SONGZ
ETHAN BORTNICK
TARYLL JACKSON
TAJ JACKSON
TJ JACKSON
VINCE VAUGHN
DRAKE
FREDA PAYNE
FAITH EVANS
ROBIN THICKE
RASHIDA JONES
BARBRA STREISAND
JIMMY JEAN LOUIS
ENRIQUE IGLESIAS
ZAC BROWN
LIL WAYNE
TONY BENNETT
JOSH GROBAN
SEAN GARRETT
HARRY CONNICK, JR.
AL JARDINE
BONE THUGS AND HARMONY (BIZZY BONES)
AR RAHMEN
FERGIE
MARY J. BLIGE
ORIANTHI
MANN
NIPSEY HUSSLE
IYAZ
KEITH HARRIS
NIKKA COSTA
TONI BRAXTON
FARNSWORTH BENTLEY
PLAIN PAT
IL TRIO

Valentines Day/Chinese New Year

2010-02-12T04:47:00.000-08:00

What a clash.. but i guess its good that I finally have a reason to forget about the patheticness of v-day.

As usual, I don't really see the fuss about it. It's just like every other day. But some people argue that its a day where the whole world expresses their love for their special someone. But do you really need a day for that to happen..? Do you really need an excuse to do something sweet for your loved one? Well if the answer is yes, then think to yourself.. If you really did love that person, wouldn't you not need to wait for a certain date to shower them with chocolates/roses/whatever?

And anyways, St. Valentine DIED on Feb 14th..>>

I sound so bitter hey.. not good LOL! I don't really HATE it... just..think its silly that people get so worked up about it.. SIGH at them.

Anyways enough of that :D CNYs here :D:D WOO LOL CELEBRATIONS!!

how exciting :D haha year of the tiger.. reminds me of fruits basket n.n

apparently since the tiger represents bravery, this years going to be full of challenges and obstacles =\ oh well im prepared for it n.n

gong xi fa cai~

kyuu :D

hope everyones years is filled with happiness, good health and luck!! n.n

thanks for reading!!

starfish

What do I do..?

2010-02-04T04:19:00.000-08:00

When the past comes to visit you again.. what are you supposed to do?

Are you supposed to experience the same feelings that you felt all that time ago?

Can you ignore everything and do your best not to feel awkward..?

And when you part, its like a feeling you cant control,

like theres something in your chest, trying to force its way up through your throat

but it cant because its so big..

What do you do?

What are you allowed to feel.. and what are you not?

Especially when only that one thing overwhelms your mind, not allowing you to think about anything else, and even when you try, even the smallest thing reminds you of it..

The truth is, im afraid.. Afraid of the truth, afraid of what i feel, afraid of everything..

But everything about the past returning is bad..

Sometimes it turns out well, and you start talking to them again, everything is just as the way it was before..

but for this, i dont know what to do..

i know i cant have him, but i cant bring myself to erase him from my life either..

I have memories of the past, memories which i cherish,

with a hope that maybe one day, it will all go back to the way it was..

But until that happens, ill be waiting..

starfish

Curtin

2010-01-19T18:32:00.000-08:00

YAYAYAYAYYAYYYYYYY I GOT IN KYUUUUUU :D:D:D:D:D:D:DDDD LOLOLLL!!! HAPPINESS KYUUUU <333>

starfish

apologise

2010-01-13T23:17:00.000-08:00

I don't want to know what I know to be true, what I need you to do, tell me another lie..

I thought things could get better, somehow it is, but in other ways it isn't.. I'm an idiot. I admit it. I'm sorry kyuu..

anyways hair photos :D

I absolutely freaked when i washed my hair and the water was red LOL ><

hope you guys like it HAHA I'm still getting used to it since I haven't had dark hair in a while...o.o

what a great way to start 2o1o! :D

starfish

Please dont say i look emo. I got enough of that from my brothers HAHAHAHA ><

Dreams made into reality

2010-01-11T20:31:00.000-08:00

I like helping people (LOL sounds so funny)

I admire people who are able to say what they want in life so freely.

It takes strength to realise what you want in your life, or what your passions are, but for me, I'm still waiting to see where I want to go. I want something to happen, I just havent found it yet.

So when a particular person told me about his dreams and ambitions,

seeing how passionate he was, and how much he loved it, made me want to help him out.

He's a dj :D LOL and i really like his mixes ahaha ^^

i dont think he knows what I'm doing LOL but i wanna try and make this happen

can you guys help out by becoming a fan of him on facebook or subscribing to his channel on youtube?

thanks a lot if you do kyun <33>

omg i sound like an advertisement o.o LOL

oh well

one day i want to have dreams, ambitions and goals..

coz right now my world is just so...

blank, confused....and just mixed up

LOL

thanks for reading kyu <33

starfish

oh i dyed my hair btw LOL n.n its sorta pink/purple/black HAHA still getting used to it n.n

pics will be up soon LOOL x)

confused..

2010-01-08T05:11:00.000-08:00

Its so weird..

You think you know yourself,

but then someone comes along and changes everything.

I don't want to think these thoughts..

I don't want to feel these feelings..

Is it because I'm lonely?

Maybe it's because he started it..

Or is it just my mind playing tricks on me again..

Whatever it is, I want to know..

So please stop telling me all these things..

Please stop finding my weaknesses..

Or else,

I may end up falling and hurting all over again..

starfish

who knows..maybe everything's just a lie..

.

2010-01-06T02:44:00.000-08:00

excuse the last post I got my facts mixed up LOL my bad :x

but sigh sadface

if i told you then you would know kyuu

starfish

crieeees

2010-01-05T17:27:00.000-08:00

I need everything to just go away for the moment..

curtin confusing the heck out of me

me worried that I may not get in

ARGH WTF IT SAYS 2 UNITS ON THE SITE AND OTHER CURTIN STAFF PEOPLE TOLD ME YOU ONLY NEEDED TWO AND THEN SOMEONE TELLS ME YOU NEED FOUR!?!?! WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF I ONLY DID 3 UNITS IN 2ND SEMESTER DAMMIT -DIES-

KYUKYUKYUKYUKYUKYUKYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

GO AWAYYYY SADFACFEEEEEEEEEEEE CRYYYYY

-hides under covers to cry-

and some people arent really helping either sadface cry kyun ><><

i cant handle this anymore..

starfish

new years n.n

2009-12-31T01:35:00.001-08:00

new years resolutions? (:

make closer friends n.n
savesaveSAVE D: for sydney weee~
try not to lose people who are close to me <3
not get angry as easily
stop being so lazy LOL
study >:]
enjoy life n.n

LOL hopefully i can complete all these kyu D:

happy new years <3

dont forget to make a wish before the sun sets n.n

starfish

GAH

2009-12-29T06:05:00.000-08:00

I WANNA BE FRENCH :@

I WANNA GO FRANCE AND LEARN JAPANESE

LOL o.o

-stab-

i love you

LOL

starfish

things that have been on my mind

2009-12-24T21:08:00.000-08:00

i always wonder wonder..

why do people get jealous of eachother?

Cant they see their own wonderful traits?

Why must they compare themselves to others?

I learnt that the past is always with you.. no matter how hard you try to get away, it always seems to come back and haunt you. Mistakes that I made without realising, and never talking to the people you used to talk to for hours on end. Lifes full of experiences, encounters, some may even change your life forever. Its so strange, because I cant bring myself to admit these things. Admit that the people I've lost, will never ever be the same again..

I shake the sadness off with a smile on my face, continuing the day as per usual. But still, at the back of my mind, I cant help but still think of all the good times we shared, or all the laughter I've let out..

Do you remember when we were still so close?

of course..

Do you remember when ignorance was bliss?

indeed i do

those are the questions that keep repeating themselves all the time..

I spoke to someone who I havent talked to in a while :) it was better than expected haha n.n i guess time really does heal n.n

LOL anyways shoutout to amy whose blog i stumbled upon today ^^ LOL :D thanks for mentioning me <33

oh and her friend viv ^^

and I've refallen in love with FMA AHAHA ED<333

HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE <3!!!

until next time

starfish

love n.n

2009-12-22T22:18:00.000-08:00

i ess two you kyun n.n LOL

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .*
. . . . . . . . . . .*. . . . . . . ** *
. . . . .. . . . . .*** . . * . . *****
. . . . . . . . . . .** . . **. . . . .*
. . . . . . . . . . ***.*. . *. . . . .*
. . . . . . . . . .****. . . .** . . . ******
. . . . . . . . . ***** . . . .**.*. . . . . **
. . . . . . . . .*****. . . . . **. . . . . . *.**
. . . . . . . .*****. . . . . .*. . . . . . *
. . . . . . . .******. . . . .*. . . . . *
. . . . . . . .******* . . .*. . . . .*
. . . . . . . . .*********. . . . . *
. . . . . . . . . .******* . ***
*******. . . . . . . . .**
.*******. . . . . . . . *
. ******. . . . . . . . * *
. .***. . *. . . . . . .**
. . . . . . .*. . . . . *
. . . . .****.*. . . .*
. . . *******. .*. .*
. . .*******. . . *.
. . .*****. . . . *
. . .**. . . . . .*
. . .*. . . . . . **.*
. . . . . . . . . **
. . . . . . . . .*
. . . . . . . . .*
. . . . . . . . .*
. . . . . . . . *
. . . . . . . . *

stupid mixed up emotions making me think that i like them when i dont >>

GO AWAYYYYY LOLOLOLOL

why is this red D:

oh well

starfish

2oo9

2009-12-20T05:21:00.000-08:00

2o1o looms upon us

a fresh new year, a new fresh start n.n

it has been almost a decade since the millenium

crazy hey? and who else thinks that 2oo9 went by extremely fast?? o.o

Things will be different next year

i can feel it =)

confessions will be made, new friends will be found, and a few i am already friends with

just never met before n.n

but thats the thing that keeps it exciting right? =)

2oo9 seems to have just flown by so quickly

but when i think about everything ive done this year

and all the different people ive met

all the good and happy times ive experienced this year

makes it seem like it hasnt really gone by that fast

now does it..?

But to make something happy

unfortunately there would have to be something bad as well..

the sadness

the heartbreak

the loss of so many things precious to me...

why does it have to be this way?

why cant everyone stay the same?

back to the way everything used to be..

I never should have come that day..

I never should have been told those days..

I try to forget, but the feelings are still there

it really does hurt

its as if there is a hammer,

constantly pounding your heart

until it just gives up, shatters, and all you can do is just cry..

humans really are just weak and insecure arent they..?

but i try my best to forget about all that stuff :D

whats the point of loving when all its going to do is make you hurt right..?

but hey thats what the new years for!!

happy holidays everyone!!! ^______^

starfish

Chains

2009-12-07T18:20:00.000-08:00

Unbound by the chains which hold us back, people become free. But with freedom, comes many different choices you have to make yourself, and if you just so happen to choose the wrong thing, well all i can say is good luck.

heres another photo WOO almost done LOL :D:D

the painting of the obi and the skirt was the hardest D:

not cool. LOL

In the making LOL

2009-11-30T20:51:00.000-08:00

LOL all this done within 24 hours :D:D

excuse the obi LOL xD

tell me wat you guys think

LOL n.n

starfish

my new love

2009-11-29T02:12:00.001-08:00

forget about him

i love herberttt <3333

KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

LOLOLOLL YAY someone who loves me back

i think

HAHAHA xD

im making the yuna summoner costume now for the next con LOL n.n

ill upload photos when its done/in process HAHA :D:D

starfish

Selfishness?

2009-11-25T06:21:00.000-08:00

We live in such a selfish world

a world where people only seem to care for themselves

doing everything without a thought of whose going to get hurt

or without the knowledge that sometimes, not everything goes to plan.

People need to know that in this world, people dont get whatever they want.

Sigh sometimes people are so ignorant.. =w=

anyways from the looks of it ill be working about 14days straight or something til xmas...

sigh..

prepare for no life stella

oh well

til next time

starfish

nugnug

2009-11-14T20:06:00.000-08:00

When I see you, i cant help but smile,

when you tell me that im a good friend,

I dont know whether to be happy or sad..

Happy that you think i am a good friend,

or sad because thats all we will ever be.

Should I just forget about you?

Because its just taking up space and emotions..

I have tried..

But every time i close my eyes

you are the only one i see

but it seems as though the image of you is fading

i reach out and the picture crumbles away

why must it be this way..

why does this have to end..

because this is reality

and reality is where i reside..

I couldnt sleep so i wrote a poem :]]]

I listen to your voice,

hear the gentle way you speak.

I hide how much it hurts,

and how I'm incredibly weak.

I look at you and smile,

hiding everything thats inside.

But the one thing that i wont show,

is how much I've actually cried.

I know that you dont love me,

and probably never will.

But you really do deserve her,

and shes lucky to have you

LOLOL

dont laugh :x

starfish

WOOOOOOOT~

2009-11-13T01:07:00.000-08:00

Happy birthday to my dear friend, and husband, rebecca lam

WOOOO UR FINALLY 18~~!!!!

<3>

weve been through so much stuff this year

both good and bad :D:D

its funny coz we didnt talk for like a year or something

LOL

but happy 18th beciii!!! <3

have an awesome day and goodluck with EVERYTHING!!

may all ur wishes come true :)

starfish

Sweet Kisses

2009-11-10T22:52:00.001-08:00

I want your sweet kisses

I like your sweet kisses oh oh oh oh

pretty baby you drive me crazy

every single day

i love your sweet sweet kisses

its all i want from you

That songs been in my head for a REALLY long time D:

can you please help me out?

do any of you guys know where its from?

Its so catchy HAHA :D:D

If you do, AWESOME!! :O:O LOL

THANKS SO MUCH <33

on another note my first exams tomorrow D: -cries-

I think I'm ready >:D

or at least i hope so....=\ haha

saturdays gonna be busybusybusyy

but in a good way i hope D: LOL

well first i have my exam from 9-1 D: -dies-

then gonna do becs hair for her ball!! YAYY FUNFUNFUN LOL

and then WORK for 2hrs WTH ><

I CANT WAIT TIL IM FREEEEE |D

WISH ME LUCK <33

starfish

Happiness

2009-11-06T06:41:00.000-08:00

to be happy..

does it also mean to hurt..?

to be at the highest point in the tower,

you must also be prepared to fall.

But to be prepared to fall,

you also need to fall with the knowledge that you are strong enough..

strong enough to get back up

and climb those stairs again..

The tree you've created out of all the happy memories

if something from the bottom..

something horrible.. like a disease which started to grow from the roots,

eating away the bark

eventually that will devour the whole plant..

making it another lifeless...thing..

that may be a down moment in time

but slowly.. another moment may be born.

From the spawns of that tree that once stood high and mighty,

a small shoot from the ground,

grown from the love and forgiveness that you've learnt..

treasure it, nurture it and love it..

because that will be the future of a new hope.

And that will be your motivation to get back up and create a beautiful garden of memories..

i really hope that helped you

and sorry if that made no sense D: LOL

starfish

lalalalalalalalalalalaaaaaaaa~

2009-11-06T03:00:00.000-08:00

hemophilia 8)

dont even know what that means

but i have a feeling i need to know it =\

another random word thats stuck in my head

just thought i would share that with you guys :]

celiac on the other hand, is something i do know :]

ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

lololololololololololololololol

im so great 8D

i blame stress

it makes me go funny

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

i know im awesome

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLL

not funny

starfish

=P~

-meow-

HAHAHAHA i want a puppy.

nature

2009-11-05T05:36:00.000-08:00

lalalalalalalalalalalalalala~

exams are so close yet so far sadface

but i cant wait til everything's all over <3

i can finally go to the beach

and stay there for the sunset

and watch the stars slowly appear in the sky

and just lay there trying to count all the stars..

The beach is where i escape from reality

the place where my childhood memories come flooding back

the place which i dream about during the cold winter nights

The sound of the waves crashing against the shore

would be one of the most relaxing sounds in the world

I close my eyes

and relive the memories which were created all those years ago..

the first place where i went alone..

the first place where i truly felt like there is something worth living for..

i love being taken away by my surroundings

the feel of the grass on your back

the feel of the leaves brushing against you

and the feel of the bark against the tips of your fingers

its almost as if you can connecting with everything

you know how its feeling..

you can sense the baby birds which were once born in that tree

the ants which crawl through the grass looking for food..

the children who may have climbed up and down the branches

the people who have fallen asleep in the field

maybe fairies really do exist..

(LOL incase you guys havent realised i absolutely love nature ^^)

i think im going crazy o.o

Theres so much more i want to say right now

but i just cant seem to put my thoughts into words..

maybe itll work another time..

but until then

starfish

LOL

2009-11-04T01:22:00.001-08:00

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I'm awesome.

starfish

Remember

2009-11-03T00:30:00.001-08:00

I can tell my memories getting so much worse

I can feel everything burning away

Its sort of like watching a photograph you have

thats captured all your precious moments

just go up in flames..

I dont know how long im going to last before it all goes away

I dont even now if there is anything wrong with me

or if i can hold onto my thoughts and memories for long enough

i hope so

and i hope i dont let everything slip through my fingers again

but ill keep being myself

and ill try harder to remember everything

starfish

Heroes

2009-10-31T03:40:00.000-07:00

I really love kids shows and movies

especially disney <333

And Tim Burton is an absolute genius

I LOVE his movies <3

Corpse Bride is THE BEST

I cant wait til the new alice movie ^^

Role models..

Everyone has them,

or at least someone they look up to

whether it is their mother

or a famous celebrity

whoever it is

If you keep that one person or people in your mind

someday you will shine as bright as them

I'm sure of it..!!

So don't let anyone ever put you down

don't let anyone ever say you can't do it

because you can.

My heroes for life

Hiro Nakamura
Kim Possible
Patrick Star
Tim Burton
Johnny Depp
Leighton Meester
My mates
Disney princesses

love you all =)

starfish

Halloween

2009-10-30T18:50:00.000-07:00

HAPPY HALLOWEEN~!!!

-makes ghost noises-

LOLOLOLOOLOL

have fun trick or treating!!

Or partying..haha :D:D

Best holiday ever

coz of all the lollies

-drooooool-

sugar..<3

HAHHAHA

starfish

cryyyy

2009-10-28T06:06:00.000-07:00

why am i suddenly so stressed out??

why am i suddenly so depressed??

why do i suddenly seem so busyy??

KYUUUUUUUUU

SADFACE

SADFACEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE CRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

JDIOWEHRFUWEHFIUFHBQUIWQLFBLIWQFWQLFIWQFWQ

X_________________X

I JUST WANT EVERYTHING TO GO AWAYYYYYY

-CRIESSSSSSSS-

starfish

A year ago..

2009-10-25T19:50:00.000-07:00

I must keep smiling

I must keep laughing

I must not ever look back down.

For everything that has hurt me

I will brush them away

and one day when i look back,

I will laugh at my silliness

I will laugh at the good times

But I will also cry over the memories..

* * * * *

I have changed so much over this year, personality wise, and appearance wise..

I also got older.. I am no longer a fifteen year old

But even though I've gotten older,

that does not necessarily mean that I have gotten wiser..

I still repeat my mistakes..

I still cry over the smallest things..

And I still refuse to eat my veges (hehe)

If I compared myself to one of my past photographs

I'm sure I'll laugh at them.

I've met so many new people..

People who I expected to stay in my life forever drifted away.

But those who I would have never expected to come back in

Stayed with me all throughout the year.

New friends came and went

But a few still remain.

I really thought that someday, the same thing will happen again.

That I would distance myself away from them,

not allowing them to touch, or even come close to my heart.

I'm now learning that if I were to give them that chance,

there is an even higher possibility of them becoming

one of the close friends that i cherish..

Crying over the challenges which were in front of me..

not knowing what i should do.

Seeking advice from people but not explaining the situation..

I thought I was breaking down

But time had healed everything..

I never wanted to say goodbye to the ones I cared about

However fate made me do so.

Maybe the same thing will h

appen again this time.

If it really does, I really hope that I am prepared to face it.

But I believe that if you really do put enough hope into something

It will happen..

so i hope that someday, he will look my way

starfish

the me a year ago..

the me today

memories

2009-10-22T19:01:00.000-07:00

Spring used to be one of the best seasons of the year..

what happened to that?

Its really quite sad

because i have always had a love for flowers..

as a child i never used to pick them,

because i didnt want to kill or hurt them

but now

they just cause an allergic reaction

so i can no longer smell the roses

or even walk down a beautiful garden..

sigh..

why did everything suddenly take a turn for the worse?

what ever happened to those innocent, peachy days?

filled with happiness and excitement

why cant things go back to what they used to be?

before i knew anything.

when i was sheltered from everything.

before i found out that the truth really does hurt..

but sometimes the truth hurts, and i for one needs to believe that,

since it has obviously happened one too many times.

Im repeating my mistakes which i said i wouldnt.

Sometimes i need to know that the higher you rise, the harder you'll fall.

Its about time i realised that so i can pick myself back up again.

So i can stop getting hurt..

I have to be stronger

so that i will never have to look back

so that i will never regret any of my actions

so that i will only make happy memories with people.

Sometimes the best thing to do in a situation like this is to drop everything you ever did

Forget anything youve ever felt

erase all the memories which made you fall

become a whole new person altogether..

If that really does work..

If i can really find enough courage and strength to do so..

i will be able to make it through any situation..

well at least i hope so..

starfish

who loves champagne coloured roses

A symbol of beauty..?

2009-10-21T19:13:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time,

A queen had a wish..

A wish for a daughter

with skin as white as snow,

lips as red as blood

and hair as black as ebony..

Soon she had a baby..

Her name was Snow White..

* * * * *

I've never really liked Snow White, but crave for beauty and jealousy which is the moral of the story really intrigued me..

As a child, I would have never understood why the stepmother wanted to be the "fairest of them all", after all, she had a husband, who was the most powerful man in the entire kingdom..

But after re-watching the movie, it finally hit me..

because women wish to stay forever beautiful..

I believe that people are a lot like roses.. a tiny, insecure bud when born,

which blossoms into a beautiful rose, and eventually,

it wilts and dies away..

Beauty only lasts for a mere second of your lifespan, before we begin to age.

However the thing is, people think that beauty is only skin deep..

To have the flawless skin,

the large eyes,

small nose

and the full lips..

but beauty is much more than that.

To remain beautiful, one needs to act beautiful as well.

There is no use if someone who looks pretty, but has the vain, arrogant and self centered character.

To be gentle, selfless and caring, is the true definition of beauty..

and hopefully, people learn to realise that.

One of my most favourite fairy tales of all time would be Beauty and the Beast.

Ever since i was a child, I would always dream of what it would be like if i was like Belle..

A young french maiden, who was held hostage by an intimidating beast..

This movie shows that there is much more to what meets the eye.. which is why i love it so much..

Beauty and the Beast: Once upon a time, in a faraway land, a young prince lived in a shining castle. Although he had everything his heart desired, the prince was spoiled, selfish, and unkind. But then, one winter's night, an old beggar woman came to the castle and offered him a single rose in return for shelter from the bitter cold. Repulsed by her haggard appearance, the prince sneered at the gift and turned the old woman away. But she warned him not to be deceived by appearances, for beauty is found within. And when he dismissed her again, the old woman's ugliness melted away to reveal a beautiful enchantress.

Belle and the beast both end up falling in love with eachother, creating the perfect happy ending..

I always wanted to have a romance like a fairytale, but then reality isnt that perfect is it..

Just like a fairytale..? Unfortunately not.. But filled with unrequited love? Indeed..

But hey..hopefully someday ill get my happily ever after too.

starfish

Confessions

2009-10-20T04:56:00.000-07:00

Why are you crying..?

im crying because i am sad..

I thought you were a happy person?

i wish

You said you were strong.

at least thats what i say..

People who do not know the real me just think that I'm that happy person who loves everything.

But I'm not only that.

On the outside, I may seem like that kind of person,

but on the inside, I'm still the insecure, sensitive person..

which i always was from the beginning.

Even close friends may have no idea that I am.

Maybe its because I've never really talked about it.

Ill confess that I sometimes cry myself to sleep

That the smallest things seem to hurt me the most..

It hurts when I'm alone at uni and when noone is there.

I'm happy for those who have found their other

but sad because it feels as if I'm being left behind again.

I enjoy talking to people

but i try my best to stay out of everyones way incase I'm just another burden.

I want to try and make tight, close friendships,

but I am afraid to see what it feels like to say goodbye again..

I write in my blog to cheer myself up

because sometimes, it seems as if noone knows whats going on

or how to help

or maybe just have no more time left for you

so sometimes its good to let out your feelings

and noone seems to know what/who you're talking about..

I apologise for the second post today

forever and always,

starfish

Questions, Contemplations, and....Emotions

2009-10-19T20:28:00.000-07:00

As exams loom closer, I can't help but start thinking again..

Remembering things, feelings which I may have felt for that one person all that time ago, and how it just suddenly all disappears.

Its so strange how quickly we can pick ourselves up and move on so quickly..

question time

I wonder whether someone can fall out of love, as quickly as they can fall in..

And if it is, is it maybe because of what they said?

Or what they did?

Or maybe it is because they simply got over their little crush for that person

(I've probably asked that question a while back but forgot the answer so forgive me haha)

And how does someone fall for someone else?

Is it their personality which plays the biggest role?

Are friendships formed first?

Or is it just something which happens randomly?

And does it take a long time for that to happen?

Is it like hating someone?

Can you get over liking someone as quick as hating someone??

And how can you actually TELL whether you like them or not??

Emotions are such a confusing thing

kyuuuu makes my head spin o(**)o

im so gonna fail my exams because of all this..

why cant i be like normal people sadface

and not worry about stuff like this D:

sigh

starfish

KUKUKUKUKUUUUU >:D

2009-10-18T03:49:00.000-07:00

hehehe shes so sexy

TEEHEE im so <3>

i havent felt this giddy in a while ROFL

i seriously cant help it

LOL

i want to put oreo mcflurry all over their bodies and then lick it off -droooolll-

i have issues.

i blame becii.

probably just temporary lust thingos though

after all, summers just around the corner ;D

but anyways it feels good

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

starfish

kyu.

2009-10-11T02:10:00.000-07:00

tired.

busy.

stressed.

enough said.

starfish

A note before i go..

2009-09-18T02:24:00.000-07:00

As lives fade, new ones take its place.

Tears of sorrow become tears of joy.

The sad, loving eyes light up, to present a much more elate atmosphere..

When we are young, we do not understand the eaning of 'death'.

As we grow older, we also become much more wiser.

Life and death now take on a whole new meaning.

And we realise it is a force which is beyond our control.

So we must treasure it, and keep it forever in our hearts.

Things come and go, memories, and friendships fade, but what you have in your heart, and how you feel for certain people, that is real.

And will never, ever disappear.

The tears which are shed during funerals,

the smile and laughter you cannot help when you experience something joyous,

or the blushing of your cheeks when your crush talks to you, shows the love which you have in your heart,

and the love which will stay there forever..

miss you all :D

and cya in 3 weeks :D

starfish

because i love you..

cant you see that..?

Crystals

2009-09-14T03:30:00.000-07:00

Some of you may know about the heart which sits at the back of my phone..

Some may also know that it is broken.

However, what people do not know about the reason why it was there.

As i was building the heart, i made a promise to myself that the day the heart which surrounds the smaller one comes off, i would finally open my heart to everyone and everything.

The larger one had always represented the barrier which sealed my heart, the smaller one, from everyones reach.

When it was broken, or when i started to remove the crystals, with the help of a few people, i was slowly learning to let people in.

I remember, when there was a time when i decided to shut it out for good.. but that left me feeling so alone.

Trapped in a room with no windows and walls, hoping someone will, or i will eventually have the courage to knock down those walls, and see what it was like in the light.

But that someone, or i should say those people, did come.

They showed me what it was like to feel loved again..

They gave me the courage to come out of my shell and see what it was like in the light.

Since i used to shut it out from the world, without letting anyone touch it, or even come close to, now the barrier has come down, I confess that im afraid that I may fall too quickly.. that i might repeat the same mistakes, because i had fallen for those people so fast.

but..

thats a risk i am willing to take

starfish

(who has finally leant how to love again)

Secret

2009-09-09T05:42:00.000-07:00

sorry about the double post

but heaps of stuffs happening

LOL

Even though my legs killed, i decided to go on an adventure around my uni :)

which got me lost, made my legs in probably a worser condition than theyre already in

but hey

it was worth it ;D

LOL

i discovered a secret garden between a few of the buildings

that was so pwettiii!!! *O* uwahh!! ^^

the one thing which made my day however,

was the one and only tree in that garden which was blooming

and it was surrounded by benches

and light poles

AND A FOUNTAIN!!!

SO BEAUTIFUL!!!

and such a romantic spot

and it was so secluded

i couldnt help but take a few photos

they dont look as good though

but i wanna spend all my time there <33

starfish

*O*

can u see the pretty tree?? its behind the bin!! LOL

dead trees sadface

Hate, Dislike, Loath.

2009-09-09T03:53:00.000-07:00

If you have kept in contact with me recently, you may have heard me complain about a certain someone in all my classes. A retard, which i recently found out is arab and NOT indian..so there goes my curry muncher offence, but he is the most FOBBED OUT RETARDEDEST DOUCHEBAG OF A LIFETIME!!

Why you ask?

well..

he sounds like a girl
he yells at me even when im RIGHT and hes WRONG
he thinks hes the smartest shit EVER
acually i should refer to him as a she..since thats what SHE basically is
she smells
shes super pushy
and i hate him/her.

and may i now present..

the fobbed out curry muncher. (i

m gonna delete his photo after coz i dont want a load of shit wasting my phone memory. literally.)

Photo taken with Diannes suggestion, gossipgirl style ;D

spotted. curry man searching through his bag during class. is he really so poor and hungry that hes forced to rummage through his bag to look for last weeks sandwich? or just looking for a pen?

im sorry for my bitchyness/swearing/racism/whatever else i did that offended anyone but i just needed to get that out of my system

until next time

starfish

Balloon

2009-08-27T02:51:00.000-07:00

My feelings are like a balloon

When they start, theyre full and lively

But i can lose them so quickly

By lettting go of them, theyll float away and disappear

If you embrace them too harshly, they will be destroyed

But if you always keep it in your mind,

and keep them around you

theyll stay like that for a while

but like everything else,

eventually,

theyll die away over time.

So for just a little while longer..

can i keep staying in love with you..?

Just until my tears are dried..

starfish

good or bad?

2009-08-22T19:39:00.000-07:00

To abandon, or to be abandoned. Which is worse i wonder..?

I havent been very straight these past few days, questioning myself about almost everything.

Feeling emotions which i havent felt in a long time..

I keep trying to convinve myself that its my sickness and its making me not think straight, but somewhere, i have a feeling that it isnt as simple that.

Unlike the other times, i havent sought out any advice from anyone because i already know how they're going to answer,

but maybe its just an excuse to hide myself from the truth..

on another note..

Ive been more sensitive lately as well, but maybe thats just my pms..

so im sorry if i sound a bit =\ or am hurt more easily

sigh..

ill finish this off later

starfish

randomness

2009-08-07T22:25:00.000-07:00

One of my biggest fears is being left alone..

Im always afraid of in the end, it willl be me who is left behind.. and noone is there to guide me..

what a short post..

oh well

starfish

Dreams.

Everyone has them.

Some good, some bad.

Some you wish wish could forget.

Sometimes you realise youve outgrown them.

Sometimes you feel like theyre finally coming true.

And some of us just have nightmares.

But no matter what you dream, when morning comes,

reality intrudes and the dreams begin to slip away.

:)

2009-08-06T23:47:00.000-07:00

I used to always think that turning back time would solve everything..

All my mistakes, all my worries.. I really wanted everything to go back to what they used to be.. But now is the present, and i can only look ahead of me. I am grateful for where I am today and if it wasnt for those mistakes that i had made so long ago, I would have had a chance of not being here today. I would have missed out the chance of making new friends and meeting people who changed my life, those who helped me to see the positive side of things and not linger onto the past..

The past may hurt, but you can either run from it, or learn from it

I choose to learn from it.

To not repeat the mistakes that I made

and to never look back

until i reach the end of the road.

Noone can help but to miss the memories, but they will be my motivation to create more, and who knows? Maybe theyll be better than what they used to be.

All i can do now is hope for the best

starfish